It's come to this - toilet paper care packages

In the "did not see that one coming" department - I found myself in the surreal position this morning of Priority Mailing four rolls of toilet paper to a desperate and dear friend in Austin.
Some people are hoarding massive amounts of "butt wipes" as they panic over the Corona virus. Not sure what the thinking is on that one. I'd be more concerned about ensuring I have enough consumables for the other end of my digestive system first but whatever. We all have different priorities.
Meanwhile the rest of us are tsk-tsking the TP hoarders and feeling all morally superior and witty as heck as we post TP shortage memes on the Internet. So, no shortage of silliness, which is good. We need silliness to get through this crisis. Like roll around laughing silliness. Get it, roll, toilet paper?
So, anyway, I had the following conversation with a good-humored postal clerk this morning.
Me: (in stage whisper while handing over package.) It's toilet paper. A friend in Austin cannot find any for love or money. It's come to this!
Him: (chuckling, then clearing his throat dramatically and assuming a loud, mock serious tone) I see, ma'am, you are sending off very important documents today.
Me: (matching his tone and nodding sagely) Yes, yes sir, I am indeed mailing crucially important documents today.)
Him: This comes with $50 insurance, do you need more?
(brief back and forth convo on retail vs. street/black market value of my shipment ensues in which I learn with some disappointment that I can only ensure for the retail rather than street value so no, I do not need extra insurance.) Sigh.
Him: And you are of course sending this overnight express certified?
Me: (looking at the regular and priority mail prices which are both - gulp - $8.70) Er... Can this go media mail?
Him: Is anything written on it?
Me: (reluctantly) no.
Other postal clerk chimes in: Write "only use three squares" on it!
Third clerk: But they often open media mail packages and if it's not media mail, they send it back.
My clerk: That would be very bad for your friend awaiting these important documents.
Me: OK. Priority.
My clerk: Cash back? In a pinch, that be used as TP and cheaper than what you are spending to send this package.
Me: Sold!
(Am handed $10 bill plus a receipt. I pointedly test receipt for softness as further potential TP substitute. Kinda Sears catelogish but that was good enough for our grand parents so I make a "that'll do" face.) Beats the corn cob or three shells options.
End scene...
But back to the hoarders and their reasoning. Perhaps they are actually the cleverest/shrewdest of us. Mayhaps TP rolls will become alternative currency in future weeks/months, like cigarettes in prison.
Stay silly. Stay safe. Don't hoard.