It's come to this - toilet paper care packages

In the "did not see that one coming" department - I found myself in the surreal position this morning of Priority Mailing four rolls of toilet paper to a desperate and dear friend in Austin.
Some people are hoarding massive amounts of "butt wipes" as they panic over the Corona virus. Not sure what the thinking is on that one. I'd be more concerned about ensuring I have enough consumables for the other end of my digestive system first but whatever. We all have different priorities.
Meanwhile the rest of us are tsk-tsking the TP hoarders and feeling all morally superior and witty as heck as we post TP shortage memes on the Internet. So, no shortage of silliness, which is good. We need silliness to get through this crisis. Like roll around laughing silliness. Get it, roll, toilet paper?
So, anyway, I had the following conversation with a good-humored postal clerk this morning.
Me: (in stage whisper while handing over package.) It's toilet paper. A friend in Austin cannot find any for love or money. It's come to this!
Him: (chuckling, then clearing his throat dramatically and assuming a loud, mock serious tone) I see, ma'am, you are sending off very important documents today.
Me: (matching his tone and nodding sagely) Yes, yes sir, I am indeed mailing crucially important documents today.)
Him: This comes with $50 insurance, do you need more?
(brief back and forth convo on retail vs. street/black market value of my shipment ensues in which I learn with some disappointment that I can only ensure for the retail rather than street value so no, I do not need extra insurance.) Sigh.
Him: And you are of course sending this overnight express certified?
Me: (looking at the regular and priority mail prices which are both - gulp - $8.70) Er... Can this go media mail?
Him: Is anything written on it?
Me: (reluctantly) no.
Other postal clerk chimes in: Write "only use three squares" on it!
Third clerk: But they often open media mail packages and if it's not media mail, they send it back.
My clerk: That would be very bad for your friend awaiting these important documents.
Me: OK. Priority.
My clerk: Cash back? In a pinch, that be used as TP and cheaper than what you are spending to send this package.
Me: Sold!
(Am handed $10 bill plus a receipt. I pointedly test receipt for softness as further potential TP substitute. Kinda Sears catelogish but that was good enough for our grand parents so I make a "that'll do" face.) Beats the corn cob or three shells options.
End scene...
But back to the hoarders and their reasoning. Perhaps they are actually the cleverest/shrewdest of us. Mayhaps TP rolls will become alternative currency in future weeks/months, like cigarettes in prison.
Stay silly. Stay safe. Don't hoard.

Elizabeth Warren - the lady persisteth

So now it's a horse race between Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders, according to pundits and pollsters. This is the emerging story line after Biden's big showing in South Carolina followed closely by the"bending the knee" ritual from former candidates Amy Klobuchar, Pete Buttigieg, and Beto O'Rourke.
Why are some folks trying to erase Elizabeth Warren from the Democratic field? Why is it suddenly an "old guy vs. old guy" scenario? Both Biden and Sanders have their share of baggage and flaws, including advanced age. Neither of them looks like the best Democratic candidate still standing, IMHO.
I cast my early vote for Elizabeth Warren and stand by it. I hope she racks up a serious delegate count on this Super Tuesday and that she persists beyond today rather then pledge fielty to Crown Prince Joe.
I understand the desire to get closure quickly on this bruising nomination process, to end the jousting already. However, it seems too many of the Powers That Be in the Democratic Party are running right over Warren into the seemingly safe arms of "Uncle Joe" to protect the Establishment from the horrors of that radical Bernie Sanders.
"Safe" isn't going to rally the electoral troops.
"Safe" isn't going to beat Trump in November.
Warren has a plan. She has persisted. This is not the time for her to fall on her sword. She can and should be the last one standing in this messy process. Warren has her own path, well researched and thought out. It happens to lie somewhere between the "safe" choice of Biden and the "go for broke" option of Sanders. The Via Media (middle way).
Yes, there is the whole "candidate with lady parts and are we ready for that" thing.
We are. We totally are. We are ready for smart, compassionate female leadership in the White House. And we need it badly.
So what to do with Joe and Bernie? I doubt Joe wants another VP term. Been there. Done that. Lost the T-shirt. Picked up a Medal of Freedom. Maybe a cabinet post related to his strongest issue?
How about Vice President Bernie Sanders? A sweet lemon offering, perhaps? Give him a wide portfolio. Real wide. Think Jared Kushner but with scruples and charisma. Let Sanders push for his progressive agenda and nudge Warren a bit left while she holds him from going over-the-edge left.
And where is Mike Bloomberg in all this? Hopefully handing his sword and support to Lady Warren. Somehow that leads me to the idyllic image of would-be Emperor Trump being forced to hand the keys to the kingdom over to Elizabeth Warren. Sounds like a Happily Ever After to me.