Citizenship test as written by Trump

The Trump administration is planning to revise the written civics test immigrants must take to earn citizenship. My first thought: Oh no. Second thought: Comedy gold. So here is what I think the new citizenship test might look like, as written by Donald Trump.

So you want to be an American, huh? Well first you gotta answer a few questions, my questions written by me and we’ll decide if we want you.

1.    Do you swear eternal loyalty to me, the greatest, bestest, intelligentest president ever?

Yes – continue

No – Get the f--- outta my country!

2.    Are ya white? Like your freckles get sunburned if you go out for 5 minutes without a sun bonnet, that white? ‘Cause that’s what we want around here. Or orange. Orange works, too.

Yes – continue

No – Get the f--- outta my country!

3.    Name three Trump properties. Use the space below.

4.    What is my golf handicap?

5.    Can you talk English good?

Yes – continue

No – Get the f--- outta my country!

6.    Can you talk in other languages?

Yes – Get the f--- outta my country!

No – OK then

7.    Who is the smartest, handsomest, decidingest president ever?

That’s right, me! And “decidingest” is too a word because I SAY IT IS!

8.    Who is responsible for all that is wrong in this country that I have not had a chance to fix yet? Stuff like bad roads, earthquakes, and bad cable reception.

I will give you a hint, because that’s how great I am. Here’s your hint: B.O. Like “body odor.” ‘Cause he stinks! Get it? Am I not clever? It’s Obama. What a failure. Sad.

9.    Do my hands look small?

Yes – Get the f--- out of my country!

No – OK then.

10.  How much will you give to my re-election campaign?

That’s it. Pencils down. Pick up your pen and checkbook. Let’s see what we have here….

No time for lawn chairs

I get that a lot of us are feeling especially Fourth-of-July-y this year. We have a sadistic, narcissistic tyrant in the White House, foisted upon us by a hostile foreign power. We have children and families enduring unspeakable hardships at our southern border as they seek to claim the refuge and liberty our nation was established to provide. It is easy to feel helpless and overcome. But let's not.

I agree this is not the time for sparklers. This is not the time for flag waving or Yankee Doodle-Dandy-ing. This is not the time for setting out lawn chairs along a parade route to watch others pass by for our entertainment. Nor does it feel right to stare gap-jawed at a fireworks display put on by our government.

Rather, this is the time to embrace and live our nation's proud history of noisy, active democracy. Our forebears raised hell and raised up a new kind of nation in the 1770s. They left us a legacy of freedom, of rebelling when needed, of speaking truth to power, of giving no quarter to tyranny. They gave us the right to vote.

So, no passive celebrating our nation's symbols this July 4th. Instead, let us all actively engage in our nation's founding ideals. We have the freedom to petition the government for redress of grievances. Let's use it. We have the right to peacefully assemble. Use it. We have the right to speak freely. Use it.
Instead of sparklers, Let's light candles to show our support for refugees and others whose rights the government is violating.

Instead of waving flags, let's carry banners and signs that show our progressive stances. Let's *be* the parade as we march for freedom and liberty. And let's set off rhetorical fireworks that all may see and hear we reject the inhumanity and dictatorial tendencies of the current administration.

That is how we honor America's birthday, by acting on the ideals which gave birth to our country.